If you’re dealing with a challenging child who lies, downplays their actions, or shifts blame, you’re not alone. Many parents face a child’s challenging behaviour, from small fibs to outright denial of wrongdoing. It can be especially tough if your child is also physically violent or struggles with child aggression towards their mother or other family members.
Before reacting in frustration, it’s important to understand why children behave this way. Often, it’s not about deception for deception’s sake—it’s about avoiding painful emotions like guilt, embarrassment, or fear of disappointing you.
Understanding the Shield of Shame
When children lie, blame others, or minimize their actions (“It’s not that bad, why are you making such a fuss?”), they are often protecting themselves behind what psychologist Dan Hughes calls the shield of shame.
For parents dealing with child to parent violence in the UK or struggling to stop child violence, this behaviour can be even more distressing. The natural instinct is to call out the lie—“I know you’re lying! Just tell the truth!”—but this often makes the child double down. Instead, a different approach can be far more effective.
Pause Before Reacting: Strike When the Iron Is Cold
One of the key principles in Non-Violent Resistance (NVR), a strategy used to support parents of challenging children, is to strike when the iron is cold—that is, wait until emotions have settled before addressing an issue.
Instead of reacting instantly, try saying something neutral like:
👉 “That’s interesting. I need to think about this for a bit.”
This gives you time to stay calm and prevents your child from feeling attacked, which only strengthens their shield of shame. This is particularly important for parents looking for support for parents with a violent child or those dealing with adolescent to parent violence and abuse.
Connection Before Correction
Once things have calmed down, focus on connection before correction. Instead of making accusations, try a gentle, open-ended approach:
🔹 “I’m wondering if you said something that wasn’t true because you were afraid of getting in trouble.”
🔹 “I wonder if you felt bad inside and didn’t want to admit it.”
This approach fosters self-reflection and helps your child feel safe enough to admit the truth. If you keep the conversation light—maybe while they’re playing with Legos or reading a book—they’re more likely to open up.
For parents struggling with child aggression towards mothers or looking for parenting support when handling a physically violent child, this method can also help de-escalate tense situations.
Guilt vs. Shame: Helping Your Child Take Responsibility
It’s crucial to help children experience guilt (which leads to positive change) rather than shame (which makes them feel unworthy).
- Guilt: “I made a mistake, and I want to make it right.”
- Shame: “I am bad, and I can’t fix this.”
For example, instead of saying, “How could you steal from me? You know money is tight!”, try fostering a conversation where they feel safe enough to admit their wrongdoing. A child who feels connected and supported is far more likely to say:
“Mum, I did take the £5. I feel really bad. Can I do something to make up for it?”
This approach is especially valuable for parents looking for help with a violent child in the UK or trying to navigate child to parent violence.
Encouraging Repair and Responsibility
Rather than just punishing bad behavior, we want to teach children that mistakes can be repaired. This builds self-esteem and teaches them that they have the power to make things right.
If they come forward with the truth, allow them to make amends in a way that restores their confidence. Maybe they help with chores, return what they took, or write an apology. This method aligns with Non-Violent Resistance (NVR)principles, which focus on parenting support through calm, consistent responses.
Final Thoughts
If you’re dealing with a challenging child, struggling with how to stop child violence, or searching for child to parent violence UK resources, remember:
✔ Your child isn’t bad—they’re trying to protect themselves from overwhelming feelings.
✔ Pause before reacting—wait until emotions are calm.
✔ Foster connection before correction—help them feel safe to tell the truth.
✔ Encourage repair and responsibility—help them learn from their mistakes.
Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) techniques are widely used for support for parents with a violent child and can help families dealing with child’s challenging behaviour in a positive way.
Parenting is tough, especially when dealing with child aggression or challenging children, but small changes in how we respond can make a big difference. Stay patient, stay connected, and trust that over time, honesty and accountability will grow. 💙
📌 Looking for support? If you’re dealing with adolescent to parent violence and abuse or need help with a violent child in the UK, there are NVR parenting support groups and resources available such as my e-course. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help—you’re not alone!