Have you heard the story of the two people looking at the bear, who was sitting on a drawing pin? One person said, why… why is that bear sitting on a drawing pin? And the second person replied, well, it's just not painful enough yet. What needs to happen is somebody needs to push that bear down onto that drawing pin, so it gets really uncomfortable on their butt, and the bear will get up and do something about it!
I think that's what happens with our children, over time, we have some irritation, some challenging behaviours, some defiance, some tantrums, and we adapt to them.We might ignore them, we tolerate them, we adapt our lives around them......
And so over time, this just becomes our new normal. We live with it, instead of doing something about it. Maybe because we don’t know how to turn things around or it's just not that bad (or so we tell ourselves).
But I think it's also because we're such creatures of habit that we just tolerate things, and we put up with it. I know I do! For example, there was something wrong with my computer. It would take forever to load up in the morning - to get on Zoom (I use Zoom regularly with my mentoring with families and presenting courses) It could take me 15 minutes, 30 minutes to get on Zoom. But I was just tolerating it, I was adapting to it. I would put my computer on and then I'd go make myself a cup of tea and press another button and then I'd put a load of washing in .....I was just completely adapting to the behaviour of my computer.
And then one day, it just got too much, and I phoned up a computer consultant and said please just come and sort my computer out. My computer – it now does things before I've even asked it to(!), and my life has been transformed!! (of course I'm berating myself.... why did I take so long to sort it?!
I think NVR (nonviolent resistance), which I teach and mentor parents with challenging children, can act in the same way. I have seen so many families working with me and with my colleagues, where it's been life changing. From parents with a 20-year-old who is taking drugs and taking their car without permission, to a five-year-old who tantrums and have their parents wrapped around their little finger. These parents have diligently followed the nonviolent resistance programme and have turned things around.
I would love to invite you to find out more about my e-course ‘From Hostility to Harmony’ You can watch my free trial and see if it's something that in quite a short space of time, maybe just three or four months, will completely change your family dynamic and bring more harmony into your home. Sign up here.
Come on, get off your drawing pin!
"The video is clear and feels personal to the listener. I feel able to listen and process what you're saying as the pace and tone are just right. I found the science/facts interesting - the stress curve for example was enlightening and makes perfect sense now when I watch the process of 'getting stressed' The workbook is a brilliant idea and I liked breaking from the video to 'do an activity'. The activities were thought-provoking and interesting. They were nice and short so not overwhelming and didn't feel like 'homework'! I like the fact that the workbook can be used for future reference too - great for embedding all those useful skills we're learning."
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Member of the International Stress Management Association
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