Call me old fashioned but I think some old-style parenting might be just what the doctored ordered!
What do I mean by that? I think in today’s world, we are encouraged (and judged even, If we don’t) to absolutely be 150% there for our children all the time.
It is drummed into us that we need to feel their feelings for them. We need to be there to comfort them consistently. We need to be there to help them regulate and manage their angry feelings.
And this expectation on us to consistently be their regulatory system and their emotional barometer is just too exhausting for us, especially if we’ve got more than one child, or especially if we’ve got a child with special needs, especially if we’re an adopter, especially if we’re a carer to our grandchildren.
So instead, let’s adopt this wonderful concept of the “good enough” parent.
Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of the “good-enough mother” in 1953 as a realistic and healthy approach to parenting—not a call for perfection.
According to Winnicott, a primary caregiver begins by responding almost completely to the infant’s needs. In the earliest stage of life, this near-total adaptation helps the baby feel safe and secure. Over time, however, they gradually become less perfectly responsive. These small, manageable “failures” allow the child to experience mild frustration.
This gradual shift is crucial for development:
- Gradual disillusionment: The infant slowly realizes that the mother is separate and cannot meet every need instantly.
- The value of minor failures: Tolerable frustrations help the child build resilience, coping skills, and awareness of an external world.
- Human, not perfect: A good-enough parent/carer is allowed to be tired, imperfect, and occasionally unavailable.
- Supporting independence: This process helps the child move from total dependence toward autonomy.
Winnicott argued that a “perfect” parent/carer—one who never fails—can actually hinder development by preventing the child from learning how to manage frustration and adapt to reality. In contrast, the good-enough parent/carer prepares the child for life in an imperfect world.
Phew! Isn’t that a relief?! Because don’t we berate ourselves when we parent so imperfectly? Don’t we carry guilt for all the things we’ve done wrong?
Let’s find it in ourselves to be more accepting of our imperfections and find ways to enjoy being the parent we are, not who we think we should be.
A quick note about my work
I’m a parenting mentor helping stressed parents go from feeling powerless to empowered.
Having been a stressed parent myself, I know what it’s like to tread on eggshells in your own home, constantly managing your child’s challenging behaviour and living in fear of telling them “no”.
Discovering a parenting approach called Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) transformed my relationship with my son and shifted the dynamics in our home – so much so that I became a qualified practitioner of NVR.
I went on to train in an off-shoot of NVR called SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) as anxiety in a child can lead to challenging behaviour.
Do visit the links on the left if you’re interested to know more.