Helping Children Become Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
Today, I want to dive into a topic I often encounter in my work with families: helping children become comfortable with being uncomfortable, especially when it comes to their feelings.
This subject stems from my experiences with children aged 6 to 15, many of whom face significant anxiety. For many of the families I work with, particularly those with adopted or foster children, the trauma of past experiences plays a role in this. And while anxiety isn’t the focus today, it’s often the starting point for a cascade of big feelings like overwhelm, upset, or anger.
The Anxiety-Anger Cycle
Children dealing with anxiety often seek constant reassurance. Their questions—“Where are we going? Why are we going? What if we’re late? What if there’s no parking?”—can reflect their need for control. If these questions aren’t answered in a soothing way, anxiety may escalate into anger, creating a cycle where both child and parent feel trapped. Parents, anxious about triggering their child’s anger, may adapt by cushioning or preempting their responses, avoiding triggers like the word “no.”
Over time, this creates a new “normal” where the entire family is on edge, walking on eggshells. But avoiding discomfort isn’t the solution. Instead, we need to teach children that it’s okay to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable.
The Shield of Shame
Children who carry a sense of shame often use protective behaviors—what I call a “shield of shame.” This shield might manifest as denial (“I didn’t do it”), minimization (“It was old anyway”), deflection, or even anger. While these behaviors protect the child from the rawness of shame, they can lead to strained family dynamics where parents tiptoe around the child’s feelings.
Building Emotional Resilience
So, how do we help children sit with their feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, and grow emotionally?
Name the Feeling
Start by naming the child’s emotion in a calm and understanding way. For example:
“I think you’re feeling upset because I said no.”
“You seem angry because you’re embarrassed.”
By naming the feeling, you validate their experience without judgment, helping them understand and articulate their emotions.
Don’t Erase the Feeling
It’s natural to want to soothe a child who’s upset—hugging, reassuring, and rocking them can feel instinctive. But sometimes, the best learning happens when they sit with their feelings for a moment.
For instance, if a child feels guilty after doing something wrong, acknowledge it without rushing to erase it:
“I can see you feel guilty, and that’s the right feeling to have. It’s okay to feel this way—it helps us learn not to make the same mistake again.”
Allow them to process their guilt or remorse for a short time, even if it’s uncomfortable. This teaches them that emotions, even hard ones, are manageable and important for growth.
Be a Calm Witness
Your role isn’t to fix or take away their feelings but to be present with them. Sit beside them, exuding love, calm, and acceptance. By doing this, you show them that they are safe to feel their emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
Encourage Emotional Ownership
Reinforce that feelings like anger, sadness, or guilt are normal and manageable:
“You’re feeling angry, and that’s okay. Let’s talk about it without yelling or hitting.”
“I know feeling guilty isn’t fun, but it shows you care and want to do better.”
This approach helps children see themselves as capable of handling their emotions, rather than being controlled by them.
The Goal: Emotional Security
As parents or caregivers, we are our children’s safe base. Our goal is to help them develop emotional security—not by removing their discomfort but by supporting them as they learn to manage it.
When children know they’re bigger than their anxiety or capable of expressing anger appropriately, they gain confidence in themselves. They realize they don’t need to fear their feelings, even the uncomfortable ones.
Takeaway
Think about how you can be a calm, supportive presence for your child. Allow them to feel their feelings fully, without rushing to smooth things over. Witness their emotions with love and acceptance, and guide them in finding their inner strength to cope.
It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. Teaching children to be comfortable with being uncomfortable is a gift that will serve them throughout their lives.
Let me know how this approach works for you!